Sunday, 30 January 2011

Oh look, it's Sunday night again.

Another Sunday another Dancing on Ice bloglet.

The big news this week is that the 'ice panel' won't be choosing which celebrity will leave the competition; the rest of the celebrities will ... dun dun DUN! This is, of course, a complete fail of a decision by the show's producers because there is no way that this bunch of so-called celebrities will be able to make a decision without MUCH FAFFINGS. Especially you, Katona.

Anyway, Chloe 'the nose' is skating first. Christopher Dean tells me that because she did so well with the perilously dangerous lift last week, he's giving her another one. Excellent.
Ha ha! The pair of them look ridiculous in their black leather outfits. Blimey, they're both rather revealing actually. This is family television, isn't it? Anywho, they're skating to I Love Rock and Roll. The lift (I didn't catch the name, but it seems to involve Chloe hanging off her partner's neck by her ankles) is going well ... yep, neck is still intact and she's safely back on the ice. Good start to the show, Chloe. Judges' score: 19.5

Little aside: I am disappointed that Jane Torvill is wearing a long, floaty, non-ice skating dress tonight. Clearly they're not going to be performing until a few more of the celebrities have left. Grover does not like.

Don't worry, folks, Jason's got another flat cap for this week's show. A little tartan number. What is he trying to hide under there? I suspect it's some sort of hideous skin disease. I'll book you an appointment on 'Embarrassing Bodies' Jason, don't you worry, we'll get this sorted.

Advert break. Man I want a BlackBerry Torch. It has buttons AND slides AND has a touch screen.

Aaaand we're back. Johnson is second to skate (to Bob Marley's One Love). This, of course, means that he has to go to ballet lessons ...
Ok, there is a slight improvement in his dancing skills this week but he is definitely still firmly in the 'dad dancing' category, folks. Nice little routine. Not particularly interesting but Tony, the commentator, informs me that he performed a lift called the 'jerk chicken plank' which is now my favourite lift name. Judges' score: 13.0

Another little aside: I heard on the radio today that Blue will be representing the UK at Eurovision this year because they're apparently back together. When did we lose the right to choose who represents us? I never voted but having the option to do so was always nice.

Jeff's skating next. He wants to do a big lift. It probably won't have as good a name as the 'jerk chicken plank'. Skating to Better Together.
Oh no! Ultimate fail! They both fell over! He was skating on one leg, with the other in the air (Christopher Dean will later tell me this is known as an arabesque) and she had to copy and skate underneath but he didn't lift the leg high enough and they both fell. He managed to get through the rest of the routine though. Judges' score: 12.5

Jason's hat is starting to annoy me. He's wearing a black suit with a white shirt. On what planet does it make sense to finish off the outfit with a tartan flat cap?

Kerry's next. Skating to Disturbia. Holy mackrel this woman irritates me. If she were to wear Jason's hat I would probably start throwing things at the television.
Fall over ... fall over ... fall over ...My mind control techniques don't seem to be working. This is all very slow and boring, Katona, and there's not much skating on your own. Interesting lift name: The rotating back stag. Judges' scores: 10.0. This is apparently lower than previous weeks. Jason thinks she's using her partner as a crutch. Heh. Crutch. Sounds like crotch.
Oh, I turned away for approximately 1.4 seconds and Karen and Jason are having a domestic.

Who is skating next? I pretend to hear you cry. Vanilla Ice, of course! Now, in the 'coming up in the show' preview earlier there were shots of blood pouring down his face ...
He fell on his face. Completely. On. His. Face. Blood everywhere. Ew.
Skating to a Bon Jovi song. Always? Oh bless him, he's singing along to it!
Not bad, Mr. Ice, but not great, however, I don't think I'd be great if I had smashed my face on the ice. Judges' score: 16.0

TV Burp is back for a new series! I'm clearly not going to be doing anything productive on Sunday evenings.

Dominic the ... er ... cricketer is next to skate. Freddie Flintoff has come to visit him at the practice rink. No, I don't know why either.
Skating to I Can See For Miles. Oh I like this song, it's on Rock Band 3. I'm pretty good at it. I think I can play it on 'expert'. Hmm? Oh yes, the skating. It's not particularly interesting but they do have Union Jack costumes on so that's nice. Interesting lift name: The Spirit of Ecstasy lift. Judges' score: 11.0

Ah, Laura the TV presenter is skating to something with a little Latin flavour this week. Incidentally, I have been informed that she is a children's TV presenter. This is why I don't recognise her. She's doing a 'wrist ripper' move. She doesn't half make it look difficult. Didn't go well in dress rehearsal. Keep your fingers crossed, ladies and germs. Skating to Whenever Wherever (or t'other way round). Skating's pretty good, actually and she JUST about managed to stay upright for the wrist ripper. Really, really JUST about managed it. Judges' score: 20.0

Oh, this new Save the Children advert breaks my heart every time I see it.

Back from the ads and Jennifer and Sylvain are skating. I don't really like her. He, on the other hand is very nice to look at. I missed the name of the song they're skating to ... I know it ... what's it called? This is going to annoy me. Well, whatever it's called, it's a love song. They're doing well but, because I don't like her, I'm not interested. Apparently there was a 'teapot' lift at one point. Judges' score: 18.5 Jason's criticising her acting skills. Heh. She's an actress having her acting skills criticised.

Denise and Matt. Oh god I'd forgotten about those outfits from last week. Dear oh dear. Anyway, moving on.

[At this point the author had to have dinner]

10.0 from the judges.

Sam the wonder boy. Skating to Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Brilliant routine. Judges' score: 25.0 Phil's just announced for them that they're now going out! Jason's called him 'skating viagra'. Goodness me it's all going on.

Comedy Dave is skating to Achy Breaky Heart. Fantastic. His daughter is waaay cute. She called him 'super duper ace'. Ah ha ha ha ha ha he has cowboy-boot-skates. Judges' score: 11.0

Right, that concludes tonight's recap of Dancing on Ice. Well done for getting through it. I'm off to watch another amazing episode of Wild at Heart. Last week's preview showed skinny dipping and someone being chased by a lion. Brilliant.

Will probably add a comment at some point with information about the skate-off.


Sunday, 23 January 2011

Dancing On Ice. All 2.3 hours of it.

Hello hello.

Dancing on Ice is on tonight. I have decided to write a bloglet about it in real time (this means it jumps around all over the place, apologies). Here it is.

Holly looks a bit like a Greek goddess tonight in her white dress. I think I like it. Yes, I do like it. Well done Willoughby, good choice.

My god it's taken approximately two years to introduce all the skaters. It's going to be a long night, folks.

So, the judges' scores actually count this week. Good, finally there is an actual point to them being in the studio. Although, I still do not like or understand why the scores are suddenly out of 10 rather than 6. Has the scoring system changed for professional skating competitions or do producers think we can't handle a score out of 6?

Oh oh oh, I must interupt this rant because Vanilla Ice is about to skate.
Mr. Ice has very dark hair. Perhaps I am only noticing it because he is usually surgically attached to his baseball cap.
Oh my, a different hat! Mr. Ice looks very dashing this week in his sparkly top hat. Goshies.
Well he is one cool customer. Very well done. 6.5 out of 10. [Judges gave him 15].

Wait a minute, when do Torvill and Dean skate? They seem to have shoes on rather than skates. Grover Mauve does not like.

FYI Jason's 'thing' for this series seems to be flatcaps. I prefered the ridiculous ties to be honest.

BREAKING NEWS: Emma just announced her engagement. Congratulations and all that jazz but why the hell are you announcing it on Dancing on Ice? Random, Bunton, random.

Ok, Chloe 'the nose' Madeley is up next. Apparently she's doing some scary lift which involves her standing on her partner's legs without slicing them. Cue the unnecessarily dramatic music. Will he end the dance with both legs? Only time will tell ...
N.B. She's skating to Miley Cyrus' The Climb (#fail).
Well he still SEEMS to have legs ... 7.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 19]. "If you want to see Chloe in next week's showy then vote for her when lines open". Dear oh dear oh dear, Schofield.

Who's next? Ah, Denise Welch who last week was described as looking like she was skating with her son. (Skating to ABBA's Gimme Gimme Gimme). Wow. Campest outfits ever. The guy she's skating with is wearing a gold crop top. No joke. I can't concentrate on their skating.
I don't think I can score that, I was so shocked by the clothes. [Judges gave 9].

Dominic ... something to do with cricket apparently ... zzz ... bored ... is skating next. Torvill tells me they've given him the 'death spiral' at the end of the routine. If it goes wrong will it actually end in actual death? Ok, I'm going to be good and concentrate on the skating this time ... (skating to Robbie Williams' Feel).
Oimoi no death at the end of the death spiral. 5.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 11.5]. Jason's told him what was missing from his routine was 'a yellow brick road'. I do not understand. I think the flatcap is too tight.

What's the deal with these Macleans sponsorship adverts by the way?

Someone else I don't know or care about is skating next. Laura somebody. Apparently she's a television presenter. Of what, exactly? Something crappy, no doubt.
I have no idea why I dislike her so much! (Skating to Kylie's All The Lovers).
7.5 out of 10. If I liked you more, Laura, it would have been 8.0. [Judges gave 19.5].
"Laura is as enthusiastic as a labrador puppy chasing a loo roll." Says voice over man (Tony?) What a description.
LMAO! Jason just described her legs as 'stumpy' - brilliant!

Steven who either is, or used to be, on Coronation Street next.
Naughty boy, he didn't turn up to choreography. I think he'd better leave the competition now. No one insults the mighty Torvill and Dean by not turning up to practice and gets away with it. (Skating to Freedom Of The Night). Ha ha, he looks like a moron doing his dance moves, I think T&D got their revenge.
3.5 out of 10. [Judges gave 7.0 - ouch].
"You're a natural. Disaster." Another corker from Jason.

Jeff (who had two kids with Jade Goody) dancing to Jackson 5's I Want You Back. I like the purple outfits. This is a good start, Mr. Jeff. Bit of a wobble on one of the spins but he managed not to drop his skating partner. 5.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 11.0].

Missed Comedy Dave. [Judges gave 9.5].

Jennifer from Hollyoaks who just described getting through the skate-off as 'like having a baby'. She is therefore a moron. Oh my god she sliced her own leg open in rehearsals! I'm eating here! Did not need to see her bloody leg. [Judges gave 19.5].

Sam (last week's wonder boy) ... from Hollyoaks ...? Skating to Stop And Stare.
Ok, this guy is this year's Ray Quinn without the annoyance factor. [Judges gave 25].

I'm starting to get bored of this. When's Wild At Heart going to be on?

Ok, army guy. Johnson. With broken finger (due to an ice skate falling off a table and onto his hand? Dude, you have to make up a better story than that). Oh geez he has pretty much no rhythm ... skating's not bad ... just don't let him dance T&D ... speaking of T&D, when are they going to skate for me? [Judges gave 13.0].

God, how many more are there to go? Oh, just Kerry Katona. Joyous.
"I'm in Dancing on Ice, can you believe it?" No, Kerry, I can't actually. Be a dear and leave, would you? Dear god this woman is loud and annoying and shrieky and shrill. Skating to Respect. (Side note on the outfits - you know when you've been Tango-d).
5.0 out of 10 for skating, minus 4.5 for the annoyance factor, I give you 0.5 out of 10, Katona. [Judges gave 14.0].

Well, that's it folks. All 2 hours and 20 minutes of Dancing on Ice succinctly recapped for you. A constant supply of alcoholic beverages would possibly have helped.

I'm off to watch the brilliant 'Wild at Heart'. Maybe if you're lucky I'll recap the Dancing on Ice results later.

Toodle pops.

P.S. Seriously, when's the Torvill and Dean dancing going to happen?

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Bloglet Number Six. Unless I've miscounted, in which case it's not.

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night,

Goshies, 15 days since my last bloglet. How have you coped? The answer, I suspect, is that you have not been able to cope and have, in fact, gone slightly mad due to a lack of blogletty fun. You will have undoubtedly had to find other ways to amuse yourselves while you were not being entertained by my hilarious bloglets. Such activities probably included creating a mosaic using coco pops and rice krispies, alphabetising the contents of your fridge and counting the remaining staples in your stapler (all worthwhile activities).

Well, my friends, the time has come for you to put down the breakfast cereals, close the fridge door and cease the staple-counting, for today is the day you have all been waiting for. Today, comrades, you receive the gift, and indeed honour, of reading Bloglet Number Six. You're welcome. (No need for you to send thank you cards, a few words expressing your continued awe of my amazing writing skills will be sufficient).

In a previous bloglet I commented on my plans to do much more cooking this year. The first dish on the agenda was Thai fish cakes. (Link is below if you're interested in trying them out).

The end product was actually rather good (I'm afraid you will have to take my word for it because I forgot to take pictures). Slight stressings along the way included: the fact that my fishy mixture seemed too liquidy and was therefore rather reluctant to be moulded into a fish cake shape; the tendancy for the fish cakes to fall apart as I turned them over in the pan and constantly having cold, fishy, fish cake mixture over my hands.

However, as previously mentioned, the final product was very pleasing, especially as I served mine with chips and peas (not a cucumber salad as suggested).

I also managed not to poison anyone. This is always a good thing.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Bloglets are so much easier to write when you copy from a book

Evening all.

Bloglet number two in as many days. Aren't you the lucky ones?

Bit of a change from the usual rants for today's bloglet as I thought I'd bring some literature into the proceedings. A couple of days ago I started reading a book a friend gave me for Christmas (Night Train to Lisbon by Pascal Mercier) and yesterday I read a passage which made me smile. When I woke up this morning I was still thinking about it and so decided to share it with you.

I realise how horribly cheesy that sounds, but for some reason the passage struck a chord with me. Anyway, here it is:

It was years since he had been in the Spanish bookshop on  Hirschengraben. Once, every now and then, he had bought a book for Florence that she had needed for her dissertation on San Juan de la Cruz. On the bus, he had sometimes leafed through it, but at home he had never touched her books. Spanish - that was her territory. It was like Latin and yet completely different from Latin, and that bothered him. It went against the grain with him that words in which Latin was so evident came out of contemporary mouths - on the streets, in supermarkets, in cafes; that they were used to order Coke, to haggle and to curse. He found the idea hard to bear and brushed it quickly aside whenever it came to him. Naturally, the Romans had also haggled and cursed. But that was different. He loved the Latin sentences because they bore the calm of everything past. Because they didn't make you say something. Because they were speech beyond talk. And because they were beautiful in their immutability. Dead languages - people who talked about them like that had no idea, really no idea, and Gregorius could be harsh and unbending in his contempt for them. When Florence spoke Spanish on the phone, he had to close the door. That offended her and he couldn't explain why.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Good evening my beauteous followers.

You may have noticed that I have not written any new bloglets recently. This is because I had nothing interesting to inform you of. Having read this bloglet, you may argue that this is still the case. If this is your opinion I must point out that it is, in fact, incorrect.

The idea for today's bloglet arose from a recent journey. Allow me, if you will, to set the scene.

As the winter sun began to set on a chilly January afternoon, a young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee teacher was driving home from university. It had been a long day of seminars for the young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee teacher (well, actually it hadn't; she had only had four hours of English and Maths, but the Maths had been rather taxing due to other trainees on her table struggling with algebra, which meant that she had to keep explaining things to them).
When the trainee was almost home she caught up to a long line of cars travelling rather slowly along the main road. She sighed to herself as she switched from fifth to third gear. She glanced down at the speedometer; 34mph in a 50mph zone.

Readers should note that this young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee is normally a rather placid individual and one not often afflicted with road rage. However, on the evening in question, certain circumstances demanded that she get home fairly rapidly (she was busting for a pee).

Having been presented with no opportunity to overtake the leading car, the trainee was very relieved when the long line of cars eventually reached the village of her destination. She smiled to herself as she spotted the 40mph speed limit signs, knowing that she would soon reach a toilet and be relieved of her watery burden (too far?). To her surprise, the car which was leading the line and was therefore the cause of the delay in her journey, did not slow down upon reaching the 40mph signs. It sped up and began to pull away from the line of following cars. Had the car driven slowly in both the 50 and 40mph zones it would perhaps have been less irksome.

Thus we reach the topic of today's bloglet; people who annoy me while driving.

I have decided that it would be better for everyone involved if annoying people, such as the one described in the above scenario who was apparently oblivious to speed limits, were not permitted to drive.
Annoying people will, obviously, still need to travel. I propose that a fleet of buses be made in order to ferry annoying people to and from their destinations. This would not only cut down on the number of cars on the roads (dramatically, judging by the number of annoying drivers I encounter), but it would also eliminate annoying drivers from driving annoyingly on our roads.

Drivers who were deemed annoying (see below) would have to surrender their car to the authorities and would, in exchange, receive a bus pass for the Annoyance-Buses.

Clearly, when (yes, 'when', not 'if') this scheme is put into practice, we will need a scientific way of determining whether an individual is an annoying driver or not. Do not fear, ladies and gentlemen, as I have created an ingenius method of doing so. Drivers will be expected to answer the following questions:

1. Do you drive a white van?
2. Do you reguarly drive more than 15mph below the speed limit?
3. If you drive a lorry, do you decide to overtake another lorry travelling at 59mph along a dual carriageway when your vehicle has a maximum speed of 60mph?
4. When driving around an unfamiliar area, do you spend 2 miles with your right indicator on, having slowed to 20mph, only to find the turning you were looking for is on the left?

If they answer 'yes' to any of the above questions, drivers will be deemed annoying.

So, there you have it, another world-wide problem solved by yours truly. You're welcome.

Post scripta - the amazingly wonderful trainee teacher did make it to the toilet in time but there was a bit of a flappy, penguin dance when she couldn't undo the buttons on her coat.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Greetings and a very happy new year to you. I hope 2011 is fantasically awesome for you. Incidentally, is it pronounced 'two thousand and eleven' or 'twenty eleven'? I am most confused by the whole thing and would appreciate some guidance to prevent me embarrassing myself terribly at social functions. Yes, of course I am constantly attending social functions which require me to refer to the year, you ninny.

So, seeing as this is my first bloglet of the year, I have a number of resolutions to inform you of/bore you with:

1. Attain QTS (Qualified Teacher Status). Quite an important one, hence its position at Number One. Should be achievable ... should be.

2. Know more stuff. Whilst playing Trivial Pursuit recently, I discovered that I do not know a lot of stuff. I aim to put this right by learning lots more stuff so that next time I play I am amazing.

3. Be able to cook. My current culinary repetoire is rather pitiful; it contains spaghetti bolognaise, curries and not much else. I have planned my first kitchen endeavour of the year already; Thai fishcakes (thank you, Mr. Worrall Thompson). Keep an eye open for a blogletty review.

4. Read more. Time constraints could make this tricky; people keep telling me the PGCE year is the most stressful and packed year of your life. Having a mother who was a librarian helps though, since I rarely have to buy books and can borrow from her extensive collection.

5. Win the lottery. I had four resolutions and thought five would be a better number. Winning the lottery would always be useful.

Well, those are my resolutions. Pretty solid ones I think you'll agree. Do you have any?